• Iris Olson

Gender Euphoria Came in a Glittery Purple Package

I finally bought my first packer and it is GLORIOUS! I’ve been thinking and dreaming of this moment for years, but never took the step to purchasing or making one. Recently, I took the plunge due to a highly dysphoric moment that I had when out with friends. At that moment, all I wanted was to be packing. I wanted to have the penis that I have always felt was there.

So the next day my roommate offered to take me to our local sex store, Good Vibrations. We were on a mission to find my penis! We went, we searched high and low, and unfortunately left empty-handed. I wasn’t able to find a packer that made me happy. For me, I did not want a skin tone penis, but one that reflected me and who I am. Also, many of the packers were large and girthy, and I have always imagined and felt that my penis was a bit on the smaller side. The options that were available (and there were many) just didn't quite hit my requirements.

I did get the chance to feel the materials and figure out if a silicone packer was right for me. And I fell in love with the New York Toy Collective’s packers. The silicone was the perfect density, nice and soft on the outside and a little heavier in weight. The packers felt good against my skin and I liked that there were circumcised and uncircumcised options. I wasn’t looking for a packer that needed to be used for sexual purposes or used as a stand-to-pee device, so this seemed like a good place to start.

I went online and saw that there were more extensive options available and was immediately drawn to a beautiful four inch purple penis with light swirls of glitter. It was exactly what I wanted out of a silicone packer and I ordered it that day.

From there, I was stoked and ready to buy a second packer. I had made the first jump and went searching for something else that would suit my needs. I was also interested in a handmade packer and went to my good friend Etsy. I found the store StitchbugStudio which makes crocheted packers. I perused what they had available and landed on the nonbinary flag packer that was also four inches.

Both packers had been ordered and I sat on my bed excited that I would have a physical object to associate with my genitalia. Up until recently, I could feel my penis but it was never physically there. I’ve never been sure how to put it, but I like to call it my phantom penis.

Over a week later, the first packer came in the mail, my New York Toy Company one. I ripped open the box around the purple silicone. I held it, still happy with the texture, and slipped it into my underwear. The tight cloth of the boxers stretched over my bulge and showed the indentations of what looked like a penis, MY PENIS!

I had a surge of gender euphoria like I have never experienced. Binding, clothing, and body hair had never allowed me to feel so much like myself. Ths beautiful compact piece of glittery silicone changed this for me in such a revolutionary way.

Since that amazing moment I have been switching between the silicone and crocheted packers and have felt significantly more like me. I’ve felt positive about my body image to the point that I have been checking myself out more regularly, looking at my bulge and smiling each time. I wear my packers to work and have felt more productive and happy. I wear them with pants and under skirts, in boxers and lace, and every time I just feel right.